Thrown in the deep end

I'm practically speechless. I've had to take some time away from everyone to process. The methodology that V4V uses really works. And can work for any group.

So what just happened? That is the big question that I'm having trouble answering. I think the biggest part was that I had my own denial stand up and bitchslap me. Denial about I went through, what my own perceptions and behaviors are, and how I react and interact with others. I may have been deluding myself. I may have been fooling myself into thinking that I was doing this to help my brothers and sisters, my family because I can't just abandon them. Is it possible that I'm doing this to heal myself?? That is a very feasible possibility.

Some of the things that have come up:

I have to reclaim myself as a woman and not be "one of the boys". I can't ignore the fact that I am an emotional person and that it is ok to exhibit that in front of others. I hate crying in front of other people. It embarrasses me and I feel weak and vulnerable. I. Hate. Feeling. Vulnerable. But I have to let that happen as it is part of the process here.

Though I have never been overseas I have had my own experience related the war. They are valid and authentic and worth something. I have been belittling myself for it.

Survivors Guilt and feeling like I abandoned my troops.

I am trying to find a way of changing how I perceive the work I'm trying to accomplish as being insignificant when compared to the incredible work the people who are also here at the leadership retreat. OMG...homeless vets, student vets, disable vets.

Thinking that I may not be able to belong to this group nor connect with them because I wasn't sent overseas.

And that was just this morning.

I'm going to be very raw by the time I come home.

Not what I thought was intended, but sooo much better.

I am in the beautiful desert of Arizona. The ranch is amazing. The people are even more amazing. I'm am in awe and humbled by everything around me.

My intention in coming here was to learn how to facilitate these peer groups and how to get a group up and running in Dayton.

Don't you love it when there is another plan for you that you don't realize until you are waist deep in and can't get out.

I didn't realize I had my own stuff to process. So now I am throwing myself into the process.

I have this saying I have lectured many others with. You can't fill anyone else's tea cup if your pot is empty. I didn't realize how low my pot had become. I guess I'm here to fill it.

This is really hard for me to do, talk about what I went through in the military. At least the bad stuff. The shadow stuff.

One of my new friends here (and I'm sure soon they'll be frimily) told me last night, "How can you help others if you're not willing to help yourself"

Thank you for the 2x4.

Breakfast bell. Pictures to come.

Nervous

I'm very VERY nervous. I'm worried about whether I'll be accepted at the Vets4Vets leadership weekend THIS weekened, by the others. I'm worried about the heat. I'm worried about what I can bring to this group of amazing people. I feel like I'm getting ready for the first day of new school again.

I never got to go over There. I was pregnant when my unit was asking for volunteers and shipping people over. Unfortunately that was one of the miscarriages. My troop never come home. I never got another opportunity as I got out of the military so that we could start a family. It broke my heart.

So here I will be, trying to help other soldiers through something I've never been through. I will never truly be able to understand and I accept that. But can they accept that? And accept me for what I am trying to do? And allow me to use the gifts I do have to help them with whatever I can help them with.

I guess we will see.