Thrown in the deep end

I'm practically speechless. I've had to take some time away from everyone to process. The methodology that V4V uses really works. And can work for any group.

So what just happened? That is the big question that I'm having trouble answering. I think the biggest part was that I had my own denial stand up and bitchslap me. Denial about I went through, what my own perceptions and behaviors are, and how I react and interact with others. I may have been deluding myself. I may have been fooling myself into thinking that I was doing this to help my brothers and sisters, my family because I can't just abandon them. Is it possible that I'm doing this to heal myself?? That is a very feasible possibility.

Some of the things that have come up:

I have to reclaim myself as a woman and not be "one of the boys". I can't ignore the fact that I am an emotional person and that it is ok to exhibit that in front of others. I hate crying in front of other people. It embarrasses me and I feel weak and vulnerable. I. Hate. Feeling. Vulnerable. But I have to let that happen as it is part of the process here.

Though I have never been overseas I have had my own experience related the war. They are valid and authentic and worth something. I have been belittling myself for it.

Survivors Guilt and feeling like I abandoned my troops.

I am trying to find a way of changing how I perceive the work I'm trying to accomplish as being insignificant when compared to the incredible work the people who are also here at the leadership retreat. OMG...homeless vets, student vets, disable vets.

Thinking that I may not be able to belong to this group nor connect with them because I wasn't sent overseas.

And that was just this morning.

I'm going to be very raw by the time I come home.